Dearest William

An excerpt from a mother’s letter to her son.

I spent time preparing for the possibility that you would have Down Syndrome and what that would mean for our family. I met some incredible people during that time and will always treasure those relationships and the advice I received. They helped me navigate the educational tools that you would need to succeed. They helped me learn about the physical, speech, and other developmental tools that would be beneficial to you. But most of all, they helped me to look past Down Syndrome and see little boys and girls who were surrounded by loving families. I knew it would be the same for you. Your big sister said that her baby brother had “down-drome” and your twin sister had “up-drome.” You were already so loved by your whole family.

My pregnancy continued throughout the summer and was fairly uneventful. I was pretty uncomfortable but thankful that you and your sister looked so healthy. I went for my final ultrasound on Thursday September 8. There you and your sister were on the screen, looking vibrant and healthy. We could not wait to meet you both!

We went in for my c-section the morning of September 15. We were beyond excited and couldn’t wait to finally meet you and see your faces! The nurses began to hook me up to the monitors. They had a little trouble finding your heartbeat, but assured us this was normal with a twin pregnancy because one baby could block the other baby from the monitors. More people began to fill the room and they were still having trouble. I began to get very nervous and started to cry. Your dad was sure that everything would be fine. He is always so positive.

Our neonatal specialist came into the room with his ultrasound machine. My heart sank. I just knew. He began looking for your heartbeat and within seconds, he said that he was sorry. He couldn’t find your heartbeat. The whole world stopped for us. My heart broke in half, and I really didn’t know what to do or think. My baby boy didn’t make it. I have never felt such heartbreak in my life. We were devastated.

We buried you the following Friday, your twin sister in my arms. We were overwhelmed with the outpouring of support we received and will never forget how loved we felt during one of the most difficult times in our lives. I hate that we didn’t get to know you. I hate that I never got to hear you cry or see your eyes open. I would never trade my moments with you. It is an honor to be your mom and to have my only son in heaven with the Lord.

We love you so much William. You will always be our precious little boy.